Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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