He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
