wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
