have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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