mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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