My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
MIDGETS
????
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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