ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Found your dick twin last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
