I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
