how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
