shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
