yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
