Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
