Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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