I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
