look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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