yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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