Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
