I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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