Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize