Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize