there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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