I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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