Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
