I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
