He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
