Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
