You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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