I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
