Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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