someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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