At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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