So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
