apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
