my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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