So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
