So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
