well I can't set my house on fire every night
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
