I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
