Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
