I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
