I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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