Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
