HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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