No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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