He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
