WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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