I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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