My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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