I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize