she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
