how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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