why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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