Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
