Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
