I accidentally had phone sex last night
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
