the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
