just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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