What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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